Do you ever feel like your children’s behavior is a reflection on you? Are you offended by your children’s behavior? Here is what you should do when you feel that way.
When your child shows signs of inappropriate and disappointing behavior you could be thinking that the child is acting this way because of your parenting choices.
Unfortunately, your child doesn’t often care about your feelings when they are disobeying or having a tantrum. They simply don’t know how to handle their own emotions and are only thinking of themselves at that moment.
That’s not a bad thing, we all do that. Usually, we don’t take other people into consideration until after we processed some of the things that are going on.
If you are ever feeling like their behavior is your fault, it’s often not the case.
Sometimes, I’ve seen parents get so offended by their children’s behavior that they pull discipline altogether, which turns the entire situation upside-down and out of control.
Saying things like ” Why are you doing this to me” or “You’re making me crazy” are statements that indicate that you might be taking the behavior personally. Don’t fall into that trap because that is when you begin to assume the worst of your little one.
You should know that children aren’t doing things on purpose, they often don’t have the self regulation skills they need to calm down and handle their emotions.
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Most people do personalize things such as getting angry at the person who cut in line at the coffee shop, but you know that they didn’t cut in the line just to make you mad. any parent can overreact and take things personally, and if you find your little one saying mean things to you, or calling you names, it’s very difficult to not take that kind of thing personally.
To avoid power struggles, we have to ignore those “jabs” and move on with our day. Picking the fight only if it’s really worth it.
If your child purposely broke a rule such as ate chocolate in bed when the house rule is no food in the bedroom..do you think they purposely did that just to make you mad? No, probably not. They did that because they wanted chocolate in bed and nothing more.
It wasn’t a big ploy to hurt your feelings. Therefore, if you say “you are being rude and disrespectful by breaking this rule” you focus on your feelings, rather than the behavior, which should be addressed.
If you feel like your child doesn’t care about your feelings at all, you might be correct. Most children and teens do not have their empathy in check just yet and often push your buttons and yell at you simply because they aren’t regulating their emotions and at the moment don’t care about anyone but themselves.
If you have a child who is often displaying inappropriate and disrespectful behavior, you might want to check out the positive parentingsolutions online course to help you manage some of these things in your home.
I actually have an entire review of the course. I have gone through it when I wanted to learn more about positive parenting, and many of the strategies I write about, come from the ideologies from that course.
Here are some quick tips for you if you are feeling offended by the behavior your child is displaying.
State That You Don’t Like It
When your child displays behavior that is not appropriate you can let them know that you don’t like it. Besrious, stay calm and let them know that this was out of your expectations.
Remember That This Is Not about You
It is really tough to not take the behavior personally. After all, this is your child who you have taught life lessons to, but even if your little one is screaming ” I hate you”, it’s still not about you.
Your child might be facing some big struggles, and it’s up to you as a parent to stay calm and try to figure out what the struggles are so you can guide them through with love and acceptance.
When your child is exhibiting bad behaviors, you might want to lash out and scream, but the thing that is most important is for you to stay calm. You can stay calm by focusing on your breathing and and pausing before speaking/ yelling.
You can set your anger aside and respond in a thoughtful and not so reactionary manner.
Focus On The Behaviour So You Can Change It
The bevaviour should be your focal point when you are dealing with disrespect. Try to take your emotions out of the situation and focus on the behavior. What kind of behavior would you like to see instead?
I know that children can push buttons and that sometimes can really get to you, but instead of reacting to the button pushing, provide consequences for the behavior in a calm manner so you can start working towards changing the behavior.
Here are some resources to help you with consequences:
- Setting Consequences For Kids Who Do Not Care About Consequences
- Natural Consequences You Should Allow Your Children To Experience
Think About The Lesson
When your child has a blow out you should try to think about what you want your child to learn from this situation.
You don’t have to think about this right away, at the moment. You can think about this when you have taken a step back to think and process what just happened.
When you think about the lesson, you should be thinking about what you want your child to learn from the situation. Remember that your little one won’t learn the lesson the first time around. It will take practice, and many other disrespectful outbursts before the lesson is learned.
What Can You Do When Your Child Calls You Names
When your child is creaming at you and calling you names, it is easy to be offended and even triggered to full on anger mode. Remember to take a breath and understand that your child isn’t trying to personally attack you, but is going through a hard time and doesn’t know how to deal with their emotions. The best thing you can do is leave the room. Avoid responding with unkind words.
To improve the behavior and name calling, you’re going to need patience and calm.
Remember that your child does not yet have the skills required to process and respond in a kind and positive way.
This is why we must practice and use calm parenting strategies in our daily lives so that our children see the behavior and hopefully model it too.
If You Are Worried That Your Child Does Not Love You
When your child is yelling at you and calling you names, you might think that your child doesn’t like you very much, or even love you at all.
If you get angry with your best friend over something, it doesn’t mean that you no longer love them, it just means that you are angry with them in that moment. It is the same with your children, especially during the teenage years.
You should teach your child to let go of anger by leading by example. Don’t linger and focus o the bad feelings, but move on.
Children live in their own little world. They learn at school without you, play and interact with friends without you and learn new things about the world, without you. This means that you are not everything they know, and your child needs you less and less.
I know that may hurt to hear. I’ve been noticing the same thing in my own children and it’s tough to live through.
Unfortunately, that is the way of parenthood. Teaching when we need to teach and being there when we are needed. Otherwise, we have to let our little ones fly.
Your child will need to leave you completely eventually, and that doesn’t mean that they will not love you when they leave, it just means you might have to step back and give them some more room.
You Are The Safe Space
I mean, haven’t you gone a little nuts before? Lashed out for not a very good reason? We need to remember that our children are not robots. They have feelings, emotions and they haven’t yet learned how to process it all.
Your job is to be their safe space, no matter how they treat you. I know it kind of sucks to have to be the safe spot for a child who just screamed at you and called you names, but it’s the job you were meant to do.
It’s easy to remember the newborn days when all you needed to do was provide your baby with everything and anything. Remember how hard those days were? Well now that your little one is not so newborn, and no so needy, it’s really hard to step back and give space, because they simply don’t need you as much anymore.
Hurts… I know. I’m sorry.
But if you are a positive, safe space for your child, they will come back. They will learn to be kind to you again and they will learn to process emotions in time.
What You Should Do Next:
1. Register For A Must Listen To FREE 60-Minute Class:
2. Enjoy These Gentle Parenting Podcasts
- Unruffled by Janet Lansbury
- Raising Good Humans With Dr. Aliza
- Parenting Beyond Discipline
- Mindful Parenting in a Messy World
3. Dive Into These Gentle Parenting Websites
- Janet Lansbury “Respectful Parenting Basics”
- Sara Rockwell-Smith “Gentle Parenting Book”
- No Reward, No Punishment
- How is Gentle different than mainstream?
- Gentle Parenting Myth
- 5 secrets to Gentle Parenting
4. Enjoy These Gentle Parenting Books
- How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success
- How To Talk So Kids Will ListenPeaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting
- The Smartest Kids in the World: And How They Got That Way
- The New Dare To Discipline
- Silence Is A Scary Sound
- Parenting With Love And Logic
- More books here.
5. Sign Up For A 7 Step Positive Parenting Course (If You’re Ready To Be A Positive Parent And Need Some Step By Step Help)
Enroll now in the most in-depth parenting class. After discovering these common sense, easy-to-implement, research-based tools you can learn how to:
- Easily get kids to listen – the FIRST time. No yelling or reminding…not even once!
- Put an end to daily power struggles. Bedtime became a breeze, and all the dawdling, chore wars, sibling rivalry, and mealtime meltdowns disappeared.
- Reduce backtalk by HALF! It’s simple once you know the secrets of these two ‘buckets.’
- Say goodbye to punishments that DON’T work. There’s a 5-step formula that works WAYYY better than time-outs.
- Feel amazing, confident, and empowered as a parent, every day. I NEVER go to bed feeling guilty anymore! (Okay, well maybe sometimes…’ mom guilt’ is still a thing.)
6. Read Some Of My Favorite Blog Posts From Other Gentle Parenting Professionals
- How to get others on board with GP (grandparents, family, providers)
- MANAGING TODDLER TANTRUMS
- PREVENTING A GROWN UP MELTDOWN
- Why do we call it a TANTRUM? IT’S A FEELING
- TIME-IN (NOT TIME OUT)
- What to do: biting, hitting, pushing, throwing
- Punishment Vs. Natural Consequence
- REWARDS: WHY THEY DON’T WORK.
- ITS OKAY NOT TO SHARE
- HOW TO STOP YELLING AT KIDS
- GP for Newborns & young babies
- Parenting Differences among peers/providers
- Does your spouse parent differently?
- Prefrontal Cortex – YOUR CHILD’S BRAIN IS NOT DEVELOPED ENOUGH
“GENTLE PARENTING IS A LIFESTYLE THAT EMBRACES BOTH YOUR PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL BEHAVIOR, NOT ONLY TOWARDS YOUR CHILDREN, BUT TO YOURSELF TOO“— SARA HOCKWELL-SMITH
- 5 Simple And Effective Responses For Backtalk
- How You May Accidentally Be Raising Ungrateful Children (And How To Fix That)
- Negative Punishment Drawbacks
- What Is Authoritative Parenting?
- Power Struggles With Child – Behavior Management Solution
- 8 Easy Ways To Battle The “I Can’t Do It” Attitude
- 14 Positive Parenting Books You Need To Read
- 10 Quick Tips For Better Behaviour
- What Is Positive Discipline:6 Simple Techniques To Use At Home
- 6 Easy Ways To Help Kids Learn To Listen
- Effective And Simple Tips To Stop Sibling Rivalry And Bickering
- 9 Powerful TED Talks For Parents
- How To Help Hyper Kids Calm Down
- Why Praising Children And Encouraging Children Are Two Different Things (Which Is Better?)
- How To Respond When Your Parenting Style Is Being Criticized