How To Build A Childs Trust
When we think about trust, we think of huge things like whether or not we can trust someone to feed us. Do I have faith in their ability to keep me safe? These are all parts of the elusive desire for TRUST, but they’re really a front for something far deeper.
For example, my son (7) wanted to play at my computer desk and I, as a general rule, do not allow children to play at my computer desk. However, setting rules and limitations around what he is allowed to do at the computer desk, can still allow him to play there and explore without “ruining” any of my things. The rules for my computer desk are that all papers stay where they are pens and pencils must be put back when you’re done playing around. I know my son can follow these rules so I trust him around these things. I also know that my son who is 5 years old can follow these rules too but I’m much more hesitant to allow the 5 year old around my things.
These are the questions we ask ourselves throughout our lives, from childhood to maturity. These are the questions that shape our perceptions of ourselves in the world. These are the questions that determine who we are and what we contribute to society.
Why is Trust a Problem
When we think of trust, we think of the major things: air, water, food, and shelter, or, to put it another way, physical protection. This component of trust would not be an issue in most partnerships (parenting or otherwise). But there’s a lot more to trust than the actual world, and we don’t even realize it.
Trust is the most elusive of all the needs; it is so big, significant, and all-encompassing that destroying it is so easy, and restoring it is so difficult until we recognize its true and complete significance.
We think about the major things when we think about trust. Is he committed to me? Is she dependable? Is he telling the truth? Is she going to tell me everything? While these are important concerns, they only affect our adult relationships when we know or think the answer is no. However, there are hundreds of additional factors of trust that shape our relationships on a regular basis that we are completely unaware of:
- Do I trust her to support me?
- Do I trust he will understand me?
- Do I trust she will see me?
- Do I trust he will hear me?
- Do I trust her to include me?
- Do I trust him to trust me?
- Do I trust her to consider me?
- Do I trust him to communicate with me?
- Do I trust her to nurture me?
- Do I trust him to accept me?
We don’t think about these components of trust on a daily basis; in fact, we don’t think about them at all. But our soul is unsure, and our connection begins to suffer as a result of this uneasiness. This is the point when we cease sharing, telling, and seeking advice from others, progressively withdrawing into ourselves and our ideas. The physical component of our connection will begin to fade at this point, and we will begin to retreat; we will touch less, embrace less, and seek each other’s proximity less; we will begin to break apart as a pair in a relationship at this point.
How to Build Your Child’s Trust in You
Remember how we mentioned trust is a two-way street? The fact is that it could be interpreted in a variety of ways other than “both.” A child who believes we can see and hear him is a child who understands that his words and experiences matter, a child who is concerned about himself and his well-being. He is also a child who will be held responsible and accountable for the well-being of others for the rest of his life. Because that’s how he’d been taught at home.
Here are ten methods to show your kid that you trust him, encourage him to trust you, and educate him to trust himself, all of which are important for his growth and long-term happiness:
Allow them to try: When children want to do something, it’s because they feel it will enhance their experience (even if we don’t understand how or why). Allow them to do so. Knowing that we trust them to do it frequently gives them the confidence they need to do so.
Allow them to “fail”: When children attempt something and fail, praise the effort rather than the failure (usually – pretend this term doesn’t exist). This is the only way to foster self-motivated independence and a strong desire to drive those small children forward when they enter the real world.
Trust them to understand: Many parents “translate” their demands into “kiddie language” or refuse to share their wants at all because they believe their child will not comprehend. This method produces childrens that are illiterate. Talk to your kids the same way you would any other adult. They’ll comprehend what they’ll understand, and they’ll ask to finish what they didn’t, but most importantly, they’ll know that you trust them to understand, and nothing builds ability like trust.
Allow them to speak: our children’s words frequently injure us; we frequently misinterpret the message and feel it has something to do with ourselves. We “re-act” from this point of being harmed. We inform the child that we are upset and that these remarks are not permitted. These emotions are not permitted. These ideas are not permitted. But he never intended to hurt us; all he wanted was to fully and genuinely express himself. He expected us to assist him in learning how to improve (growth mindset) his experience, but instead, we shut him down. Allow your children to express themselves; they are looking for a method to express how they are feeling.The only way to handle everyone’s emotions without undermining the needs of people involved is to teach ourselves and our children how to manage their emotions.
et them be: we frequently feel compelled to correct behaviours, not simply those that are overtly offensive but also those that differ from our own. “No, this isn’t how you put together a puzzle.” “This is not how a shirt should be folded.” “This is not how you draw a cat,” says the artist. “Let me show you,” says the narrator. “Let me demonstrate.” “Let me demonstrate.” And I believe that if no one has requested for your assistance, then your assistance is not necessary. Everyone has their own way of being and living, and no one can show that one method is superior than the other. And if it turns out to be “better” or “worse” for one, understanding it is far more valuable than being informed that you are incorrect by someone else. And it makes no difference who that person is.
Don’t make any false statements. When we try to make life easy for our children, we frequently “soften” the message. If we think it would “ruin their mood” or make it more difficult for them to cope, we may keep certain portions of the message to ourselves. The reality is that children remember everything that happens to them. They recall what we said, and each word is a promise to them. Our words are the holy grail of their universe to them, the light that shows them the path, the road map. Unless we disappoint them, and each time we do, a small fracture forms in the walls of trust between us, until the crack becomes large enough to break the wall. Make it happen if you stated anything. Even if you were “incorrect.”
We have faith in those who have faith in us. Through the gaze of people who love us and those who love us, we learn to trust ourselves. And trust isn’t about the important things (although they are) – it’s about being able to be.
What You Should Do Next:
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- Easily get kids to listen – the FIRST time. No yelling or reminding…not even once!
- Put an end to daily power struggles. Bedtime became a breeze, and all the dawdling, chore wars, sibling rivalry, and mealtime meltdowns disappeared.
- Reduce backtalk by HALF! It’s simple once you know the secrets of these two ‘buckets.’
- Say goodbye to punishments that DON’T work. There’s a 5-step formula that works WAYYY better than time-outs.
- Feel amazing, confident, and empowered as a parent, every day. I NEVER go to bed feeling guilty anymore! (Okay, well maybe sometimes…’ mom guilt’ is still a thing.)