Using the Child Ego State To Connect
Do you employ this Positive Parenting Technique? Do you realize that the Child Ego State holds the key to a healthy relationship with your child? Use this positive parenting (like inductive discipline)approach to reduce power conflicts and improve (growth mindset) the quality of your parent-child relationship. Connect with your children by focusing on the Child Ego State of Personality rather than the Adult Ego and the Parent Ego States.
Connecting Through Child Ego State In Positive Parenting
Have you ever taken a walk with a toddler and allowed the child to lead? it can be quite painfully slow for us adults, but it’s an amazing adventure for children.
The last time I had experienced a snail’s pace activity with my kids, the words of Amy McCready, the creator of Positive Parenting Solutions, were also on my mind.
She claims that we all go through three Ego States of Personality throughout the day: the Child Ego State, Parent Ego State, and Adult Ego State.
These many ego states of personality are mindsets that we use to communicate with one another, and we switch between them throughout the day. These personality traits are crucial in determining how connected or distant our connections with our children are.
To stay in the connected zone, learn how to use a good parenting technique.
What Is The Child Ego State
The happy, lively, and highly emotional condition of the Child Ego. It’s where kids spend the majority of their time. Play, controlling and learning emotions, tantrums, communicating, and finding joy in playing all come into play in this highly emotional period.
Adults can also enter the child ego state, which includes playing with children, having fun, but also road anger, adult tantrums, and outbursts.
What Is The Parent Ego State
Giving orders, reminding, ordering, and correcting is all part of the Parent Ego State. While a parent, you are correcting and instructing your children as they go about their daily tasks. This is the authoritative voice, and you may use it to communicate with your children, partner, coworkers, and in coaching and leadership jobs.
- Reminding your child not to forget their school supplies, such as their backpack and lunch.
- Requesting that your child complete their meal, as well as requesting that they put their shoes away and hang up their coat
- Getting your child to complete his or her assignment
- Reminding your child to pick up their toys and clean up after themselves
Nobody wants to be bossed about all day, so unless you enjoy power conflicts with your child, keep track of how much time you spend in the Parent Ego state.
The Adult Ego State
Listening, receiving, and digesting information are all part of the Adult Ego state, which is non-emotional. The Adult Ego State is what you’re doing right now while you read this post. Kids can be in this condition as well, usually at school, in a learning setting, or when participating in an activity.
This explains why your child is so well-behaved at school but then lets free and has a burst of energy when they get home. It’s because they’re concentrated and in the adult ego state while in school.
Because they are not being bossed around, communicating with children in the adult ego state is more polite than communicating with them in the adult ego state. The act of guiding and ordering is taken away from you when you are in a condition of non-emotion.
Understanding Ego States
Our three ego states, according to TA, “appear up” whether we want them to or not, therefore it’s vital to be conscious of how they “look.” The good news is that it is rather simple to do. Simply recall and respond to the following questions:
Child: What emotions do you recall having as a child? What was a common thread running through your interactions with your parents? Did you have to battle for their attention all the time? Have you ever experienced unconditional love? Did you feel compelled to show your worth?
When Tony Robbins asks, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” he’s implying: “Think about the person whose affection you most desired: what qualities did you need to possess in order for that person to embrace and love you? To get their approval, what did you have to think or do?”
Parent: How do you recall your parents acting when you were a child? Were they critical? Are you wary of others? Are you being overly cautious? Reckless? What were their perspectives on the world, money, people, and so on?
Examine whatever aspects of your Child and Parent ego states you’ve incorporated into your own thoughts, attitudes, and behaviours now. The Parent and Child ego states are unique to each individual. When my Child’s ego state is aroused, for example, I shut down and am unable to communicate with anyone. The Child of others may get protective or lash out. It all comes down to the patterns you learned as a child.
Consider your closest friends and family members. What is your partner’s ego condition as a child? What about their father or mother?
How The Ego States Work Together From Child To Parent
Parents are usually in the Parent Ego State (ordering, correcting, and directing), whereas children are mostly in the Child Ego State (highly-emotional and joyful state.)
There’s obviously going to be a significant gap if your child is in a fun mood most of the time and you’re in the Parent Ego State. Also, how your child experiences situations in this condition differ from how a parent views them, resulting in a variety of behaviours.
Children operate from a place of emotion, whereas adults operate from a place of duty, but it is when they are in sync that the magic happens. The actual relationship development comes while you’re both in the Child Ego Stage, and having fun together in this state will deepen your bond.
Consider your parenting style, as well as how you communicate with your children. What ego state do you find yourself in most of the time?
According to Amy McCready of Positive Parenting Solutions, if you’re in the Child Ego State for less than 30% of the time, you’re practically inviting power conflicts and opposition from your kids.
Consider this: could you stand being bossed around and told what to do all of the time without retaliating? Children don’t want to be bossed around any more than you do, and when they are, bad habits emerge.
This knowledge came from the Positive Parenting Solutions course, and it helped me understand why I’ve been feeling a little distant from my kids lately.
It’s also no surprise that power battles have increased – we’re not on the same page, and it’s because I’m not in the Child Ego State nearly as frequently as I should be.
On our stroll, I was thinking about Amy’s comments and decided to be present with my kids in the Child Ego State.
Getting To The Ego State Together
Instead of pushing kids along to our schedules, allowing the children to explore at their own pace is where the connections happen. You’ll learn to see the world through your children’s eyes, and see how truly magical it really is..away from all the cell phones, televisions and other noises of life calling your name.
Let go of the to-do list, and get in sync with your kids while they are in their Ego states, you’ll love it. I promise.
What You Should Do Next:
1. Subscribe To My Parenting NewsletterSign Up For My Parenting Newsletter for tips on creating a happier home and becoming a more positive parent. As a bonus when you subscribe you’ll get a copy of my FREE Growth Mindset Printout For Kids which is the KEY to raising resilient kids with a growth mindset.
2. Register For A Pretty Awesome FREE 60-Minute Class:Register for a free class called GET KIDS TO LISTEN THE RIGHT WAY; an exclusive FREE class from nationally recognized parenting coach, Amy McCready.
3. Sign Up For A 7 Step Positive Parenting CourseEnroll now in the most in-depth parenting class. After discovering these common sense, easy-to-implement, research-based tools you can learn how to:
- Easily get kids to listen – the FIRST time. No yelling or reminding…not even once!
- Put an end to daily power struggles. Bedtime became a breeze, and all the dawdling, chore wars, sibling rivalry, and mealtime meltdowns disappeared.
- Reduce backtalk by HALF! It’s simple once you know the secrets of these two ‘buckets.’
- Say goodbye to punishments that DON’T work. There’s a 5-step formula that works WAYYY better than time-outs.
- Feel amazing, confident, and empowered as a parent, every day. I NEVER go to bed feeling guilty anymore! (Okay, well maybe sometimes…’ mom guilt’ is still a thing.)
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