How To Raise Children So They Can Be Someone You Can Talk To
Parenting is difficult… No one informs you that the most significant things will happen in the future. If your child isn’t someone you can truly communicate to, discipline, boundaries, and limits will only bring you pain.
When I first became a mother and began the game of “raising a kid,” everyone told me that discipline is essential; that routines, rules, limitations, and boundaries are the first things I must “teach” and create for my child if I am to see him grow into the person I desire.
They were sorely mistaken. I mean, I didn’t realize it straight away. I tried their parenting advice and realized that I was suffering as a result. That my child is in pain, and that our pain isn’t making my spouse particularly pleased.
This post may contain affiliate links. Full disclosure here.
Want to learn how to get your kids to listen without nagging, yelling or losing control?
–>check out this free parenting class<–
We Are All Unique
Unfortunately, the solution that is correct for me here is the same answer that is causing so much sorrow and misery for so many other families. And the explanation is that, while we are not cookies, we live in a cookie-cutter culture that teaches us that there is a single right route that we should all take, even if (and especially when) it makes us unhappy.
This environment teaches us that if we want to modify a habit, we must do x, y, and z to ensure that the behaviour is never repeated. This world teaches us that some emotions are forbidden, that certain emotions should not be expressed, and that certain facts should not be spoken. “Ri” has been a part of our lives (and parenting) since the beginning.
Old School Parenting Tips That Disconnect Us
Fear, guilt, and shame are the most common parenting strategies used across the world to punish the next generation by making them feel terrible. Sure, I can see where you’re coming from. We think that if someone feels guilty about something, he will choose not to repeat it. If the remorse originates from the inside, this might be genuine. When it is your parent who instils these sentiments in you, feelings of dread, guilt, and shame that separate you from your underlying, fundamental drive to do good to, and for, the ones you love, this is everything but valid.
Instead, those who are meant to love and care for you, guide you on how the world works, and help you THRIVE in it are the ones who unwittingly bring you all of this misery.
How To Raise Children To Be Someone You Can Talk To
Trust The Child
I believed in him and his instincts, and now he believes in himself and requests to follow his own physiological cues. He informs me when he’s finished and we retire to bed. What’s more, guess what? Every day at 9 p.m., it occurs.
I’ll never make him wear a coat if he claims he’s not chilly. Because no one like being cold, unless it’s about a power battle (again). What’s more, guess what? When he’s chilly, he always asks for a coat.
Allow Them To Express Themselves
Whatever resides within him has the right to express itself. And it never hurts me because he never intends to hurt me. If he utters “hurtful” remarks, it’s because he’s in pain himself. And it doesn’t mean I’ll bend reality to his will in order to save him misery; rather, I’ll be there with him, in his agony, and help him deal by counselling him to understand his needs and communicate his feelings.
Whatever he says, my first thought is always, “Thank you for sharing it with me.” I’ll question “why,” “how,” or “when” only when he realizes that his feelings are being noticed and heard.
It is impossible to gain trust in the future. You are now constructing a foundation of trust. And that now is there at all times. You may not think it’s that essential, but when you contemplate the teen your toddler will become, trust is the most vital trait to develop in your connection.
Trust Their Boundaries
Those who have the freedom to lead are also those who have the freedom to follow. This delicate balance of individual individuality is the foundation – and demise – of partnerships.
Meeting your childrens desire for autonomy, in my opinion, is one of the most essential things you can do.
To me, his “no” means “no,” and I always inquire. I don’t have any exclusive rights just because “I created him”; he isn’t mine. I have exclusive rights because he grants them to me in exchange for my respect for every part of his existence.
He recognizes me as a safe haven; he recognizes me as his safe haven. He knows he can rely on me to listen to him, hear him, respect him, and assist him whenever possible. He understands that no one else can ever come between us (maybe not yet, but surely soon).