80 Funny Parenting Quotes That Will Make You Chuckle

Welcome to my corner of the internet, fellow caffeine-fueled, multitasking moms and dads!

From the bizarre behavior of toddlers (who needs a comedy club when you have a two-year-old?) to the eye-opening truths uttered in front of my unsuspecting husband, every day brings new reasons to laugh (or cry into my iced coffee, depending on the day).

Because, as we all know, in the world of raising kids, if you’re not laughing, you’re probably hiding in the bathroom eating chocolate.

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Funny Parenting Quotes You May Enjoy

1. “Parenting is a journey best undertaken with a sense of humor and a good GPS.” – Phyllis Diller
2. Raising kids is part joy, part guerrilla warfare.” – Erma Bombeck
3. In the world of parenting, a minute of silence is suspicious, not golden.” – Jerry Seinfeld
4. The biggest thing I’ve learned as a mom? Patience really is a virtue.” – Carrie Underwood
5. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle
6. The best way to keep children at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere… and let the air out of their tires.” – David Frost
7. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld
8. The only thing kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.” – Lane Olinghouse
9. “Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too.” – Lionel Kauffman
10. “Parenthood: The scariest ‘hood’ you’ll ever go through.” – Unknown
11. A child’s attention span is like a flashlight—it’s brilliant at focusing but only on one thing at a time.” – Unknown
12. “A perfect metaphor for parenting is trying to stand up in a hammock without spilling your wine.” – Unknown
13. To be a good parent, you need to have a good laugh… at yourself.” – Unknown

1. The quickest way to a child’s heart is to remember their favorite toy’s name.” – Unknown
2. “The majority of my diet? Leftover chicken nuggets and the crust of peanut butter sandwiches.” – Unknown
3. “I’m not a regular mom, I’m a Pinterest mom.” – Unknown
4. “Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.” – Unknown
5. “The biggest triumph of my day? Getting both socks to match in the laundry.” – Unknown
6. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld
7. “Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano
8. “Motherhood: Powered by love. Fueled by coffee. Sustained by wine.” – Unknown
9. The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” – Lane Olinghouse
10. “Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.” – Jerry Seinfeld
11. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.” – David Frost
12. “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” – Phyllis Diller
13. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so they can tell when they’re really in trouble.” – Unknown
14. “Parenting is like being a cab driver who only ever gets asked ‘Are we there yet?'” – Unknown
15. “A two-year-old’s favorite word is ‘No.’ Their second favorite? ‘Mine!'” – Unknown
16. Becoming a parent means mastering the art of pretending to ‘win’ a game of Candy Land.” – Unknown
17. “Parenthood: The only place you can experience heaven and hell at the same time.” – Unknown
18. “Before I had kids, I didn’t even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a juice box.” – Unknown
19. “In the grocery store with kids, I’m the human version of ‘We didn’t find any results for your search.'” – Unknown
20. “Sleep is like a mythical creature when you’re a parent. You’ve heard of it, but rarely see it.” – Unknown
21. “The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.” – Unknown
22. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers

1. “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” – Sam Levenson
2. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” – Calvin Trillin
3. “My nickname is ‘Mom,’ but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom.'” – Unknown
4. “There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother’s age.” – Benjamin Spock
5. “Parenthood: The scariest hood you’ll ever go through.” – Unknown
6. “Parenting tip: ‘Because I said so’ is a perfectly acceptable reason.” – Unknown
7. The only thing kids wear out faster than shoes is parents’ patience.” – Unknown
8. Having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” – Martin Mull
9. A sleeping baby is the new ‘happy hour’ for parents.” – Unknown
10. My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy.” – Unknown
11. “You know you’re a mom when you understand why mama bear’s porridge was cold.” – Unknown
12. Parenthood: Where being able to hear a pin drop is actually a bad sign.” – Unknown
13. “The definition of ‘vacation’ changes significantly once you have kids.” – Unknown
14. Parenthood is the art of hoping your kids are making good decisions.” – Unknown
15. “Parenting is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how.” – Unknown
16. “Remember, as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice, normal family.” – Homer Simpson
17. “My kids call it ‘yelling’ when I raise my voice. I call it motivational speaking for the selective listener.” – Unknown
18. “Nothing is truly lost until your child can’t find it.” – Unknown
19. “The most powerful tool for a parent is the ability to say ‘Ask your mother/father.'” – Unknown
20. “The joy of parenting is revisiting your childhood’s greatest hits.” – Unknown
21. “I love my children unconditionally. Conditions apply after 8 p.m.” – Unknown
22. Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them but for us?” – Alyson Hannigan
23. “Welcome to parenthood. The only place you can experience heaven and hell at the same time.” – Unknown

1. Being a parent means mastering the art of the quick shower.” – Unknown
2. The best thing about kids is they are great at fetching things you’re too lazy to get yourself.” – Unknown
3. “Parenting is like trying to stand up in a hammock without spilling your drink.” – Unknown
4. “Kids: Can’t live with them, can’t send them back to the stork.” – Unknown
5. “I used to have functioning brain cells, but I traded them in for children.” – Unknown
6. Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.” – Unknown
7. “Parenthood: Where you spend the first 2 years teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.” – Unknown
8. “My kids call it yelling when I raise my voice. I call it motivational speaking for the selective listener.” – Unknown
9. The only zen you find at the tops of mountains is the zen you bring up there with you – this also applies to kids’ birthday parties.” – Unknown
10. “Parenting is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs. But it’s your choice to scream or enjoy the ride.” – Unknown
11. The best way to keep a secret from your kids is to say it out loud.” – Unknown
12. “Parenthood: The stage in life where ‘sleeping in’ means getting up at 6 am on the weekend.” – Unknown
13. “I used to have nice things. Then I had children.” – Unknown
14. “My children can make anything out of a box. Today, they made a time machine. I told them to go to 2020 and stop, just stop.” – Unknown
15. “Having a child is liking getting a tattoo… on your face. You better be committed.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
16. You know you’re a parent when you understand why Tarzan’s yell was so loud.” – Unknown
17. Behind every young child who believes in themselves is a parent who believed first.” – Matthew Jacobson
18. “Parenting is 50% love and 50% figuring out where that smell is coming from.” – Unknown
19. “Parenting is saying the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” – Unknown
20. “Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious.” – Unknown
21. Before I became a parent, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by asking them to put pants on.” – Unknown
22. “The phrase ‘working mother’ is redundant.” – Jane Sellman

As I wrap up this collection of funny parenting quotes, it’s clear that the journey of raising kids is filled with as many laugh-out-loud moments as there are sleepless nights.

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