80 Funny Parenting Quotes That Will Make You Chuckle
Welcome to my corner of the internet, fellow caffeine-fueled, multitasking moms and dads!
As an Amazon Prime mom who often finds herself wondering if ‘quiet’ is just a myth like unicorns or white carpets that stay white,
I’ve learned to navigate the chaotic, hilarious, and heartwarming waters of parenting with a hefty dose of humor.
From the bizarre behavior of toddlers (who needs a comedy club when you have a two-year-old?) to the eye-opening truths uttered in front of my unsuspecting husband, every day brings new reasons to laugh (or cry into my iced coffee, depending on the day).
So, buckle up and join me on this rollercoaster ride as we dive into 80 funny parenting quotes that speak to the soul of every parent who’s ever stepped on a Lego, negotiated with a mini dictator over broccoli, or found themselves Googling ‘how to survive on two hours of sleep.’
Because, as we all know, in the world of raising kids, if you’re not laughing, you’re probably hiding in the bathroom eating chocolate.
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Funny Parenting Quotes You May Enjoy
“Parenting is a journey best undertaken with a sense of humor and a good GPS.” – Phyllis Diller
Raising kids is part joy, part guerrilla warfare.” – Erma Bombeck
“In the world of parenting, a minute of silence is suspicious, not golden.” – Jerry Seinfeld
The biggest thing I’ve learned as a mom? Patience really is a virtue.” – Carrie Underwood
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere… and let the air out of their tires.” – David Frost
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld
The only thing kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.” – Lane Olinghouse
“Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too.” – Lionel Kauffman
“Parenthood: The scariest ‘hood’ you’ll ever go through.” – Unknown
A child’s attention span is like a flashlight—it’s brilliant at focusing but only on one thing at a time.” – Unknown
“A perfect metaphor for parenting is trying to stand up in a hammock without spilling your wine.” – Unknown
To be a good parent, you need to have a good laugh… at yourself.” – Unknown
The quickest way to a child’s heart is to remember their favorite toy’s name.” – Unknown
“The majority of my diet? Leftover chicken nuggets and the crust of peanut butter sandwiches.” – Unknown
“I’m not a regular mom, I’m a Pinterest mom.” – Unknown
“Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.” – Unknown
“The biggest triumph of my day? Getting both socks to match in the laundry.” – Unknown
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano
“Motherhood: Powered by love. Fueled by coffee. Sustained by wine.” – Unknown
The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” – Lane Olinghouse
“Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.” – Jerry Seinfeld
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.” – David Frost
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” – Phyllis Diller
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so they can tell when they’re really in trouble.” – Unknown
“Parenting is like being a cab driver who only ever gets asked ‘Are we there yet?'” – Unknown
“A two-year-old’s favorite word is ‘No.’ Their second favorite? ‘Mine!'” – Unknown
Becoming a parent means mastering the art of pretending to ‘win’ a game of Candy Land.” – Unknown
“Parenthood: The only place you can experience heaven and hell at the same time.” – Unknown
“Before I had kids, I didn’t even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a juice box.” – Unknown
“In the grocery store with kids, I’m the human version of ‘We didn’t find any results for your search.'” – Unknown
“Sleep is like a mythical creature when you’re a parent. You’ve heard of it, but rarely see it.” – Unknown
“The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.” – Unknown
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” – Sam Levenson
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” – Calvin Trillin
“My nickname is ‘Mom,’ but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom.'” – Unknown
“There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother’s age.” – Benjamin Spock
“Parenthood: The scariest hood you’ll ever go through.” – Unknown
“Parenting tip: ‘Because I said so’ is a perfectly acceptable reason.” – Unknown
The only thing kids wear out faster than shoes is parents’ patience.” – Unknown
Having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” – Martin Mull
A sleeping baby is the new ‘happy hour’ for parents.” – Unknown
My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy.” – Unknown
“You know you’re a mom when you understand why mama bear’s porridge was cold.” – Unknown
Parenthood: Where being able to hear a pin drop is actually a bad sign.” – Unknown
“The definition of ‘vacation’ changes significantly once you have kids.” – Unknown
Parenthood is the art of hoping your kids are making good decisions.” – Unknown
“Parenting is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how.” – Unknown
“Remember, as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice, normal family.” – Homer Simpson
“My kids call it ‘yelling’ when I raise my voice. I call it motivational speaking for the selective listener.” – Unknown
“Nothing is truly lost until your child can’t find it.” – Unknown
“The most powerful tool for a parent is the ability to say ‘Ask your mother/father.'” – Unknown
“The joy of parenting is revisiting your childhood’s greatest hits.” – Unknown
“I love my children unconditionally. Conditions apply after 8 p.m.” – Unknown
Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them but for us?” – Alyson Hannigan
“Welcome to parenthood. The only place you can experience heaven and hell at the same time.” – Unknown
Being a parent means mastering the art of the quick shower.” – Unknown
The best thing about kids is they are great at fetching things you’re too lazy to get yourself.” – Unknown
“Parenting is like trying to stand up in a hammock without spilling your drink.” – Unknown
“Kids: Can’t live with them, can’t send them back to the stork.” – Unknown
“I used to have functioning brain cells, but I traded them in for children.” – Unknown
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.” – Unknown
“Parenthood: Where you spend the first 2 years teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.” – Unknown
“My kids call it yelling when I raise my voice. I call it motivational speaking for the selective listener.” – Unknown
The only zen you find at the tops of mountains is the zen you bring up there with you – this also applies to kids’ birthday parties.” – Unknown
“Parenting is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs. But it’s your choice to scream or enjoy the ride.” – Unknown
The best way to keep a secret from your kids is to say it out loud.” – Unknown
“Parenthood: The stage in life where ‘sleeping in’ means getting up at 6 am on the weekend.” – Unknown
“I used to have nice things. Then I had children.” – Unknown
“My children can make anything out of a box. Today, they made a time machine. I told them to go to 2020 and stop, just stop.” – Unknown
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo… on your face. You better be committed.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
You know you’re a parent when you understand why Tarzan’s yell was so loud.” – Unknown
Behind every young child who believes in themselves is a parent who believed first.” – Matthew Jacobson
“Parenting is 50% love and 50% figuring out where that smell is coming from.” – Unknown
“Parenting is saying the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” – Unknown
“Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious.” – Unknown
Before I became a parent, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by asking them to put pants on.” – Unknown
“The phrase ‘working mother’ is redundant.” – Jane Sellman
As we wrap up this collection of 80 funny parenting quotes, it’s clear that the journey of raising kids is filled with as many laugh-out-loud moments as there are sleepless nights.
Whether it’s debating the safest playpen with my husband or trying to interpret the wisdom of Marshall McLuhan while a toddler melts down over the wrong color of cup, each day is a new adventure.
Remember, there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. Just like Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Reynolds show us, even celebrities face the hilarious realities of parenting.
These quotes remind us that whether we’re dealing with dog problems, the mystifying behavior of a non-existent kid, or explaining the backward spells of ‘last night’ to a curious mind, the key to survival is a good laugh (and maybe a sticky purse full of emergency snacks). Let’s cherish these moments and the funny, bizarre, yet beautiful chaos they bring.
They make up the stories we’ll share at dinner parties, the anecdotes that define our lives, and the memories that will warm our hearts in years to come.
To all the parents out there, navigating this wild ride with much patience and a sense of humor, you’re doing an incredible job.
Here’s to the next generation, who will no doubt continue the tradition of turning our worlds upside down, in the most wonderfully unexpected ways.
References
- The Role of Parenting Styles in Children’s Problem Behavior (Aunola & Nurmi, 2005): This study examines how mothers’ and fathers’ parenting styles, including affection and control, predict children’s behavior, potentially offering insights into the complex and sometimes humorous challenges of parenting.
- How Does the Gender of Parents Matter (Biblarz & Stacey, 2010): This research explores the differences and similarities in parenting by mothers and fathers, shedding light on gender roles in parenting, which can be a source of humor and reflection.
- Personality and Parenting: Exploring the Mediating Role of Transient Mood and Daily Hassles (Belsky, Crnic, & Woodworth, 1995): This study investigates how parents’ personalities and daily challenges impact their parenting, potentially offering a humorous take on the everyday realities of raising children.
- Individual and Family Factors Contributing to Mothers’ and Fathers’ Positive Parenting (Russell, 1997): This research looks at what contributes to positive parenting, which might provide a lighthearted perspective on how parents manage to find joy and humor even in challenging parenting moments.