Parenting Tips
What Positive Parenting Is Not

What Positive Parenting Is Not

What does it mean to be a good parent? Positive parenting is for parents who wish to establish limits with their children in a polite and caring manner without breaking their spirits. Our children are guided on the correct road by gentle counsel and good discipline, rather than harsh consequences, screaming, or punitive punishment (fear conditioning). Find out more about what Positive Parenting is and isn’t.

The word “positive parenting” is widely used in the parenting field; I’m sure you’ve heard it in every parenting book or magazine you’ve ever read.

Many people mock the phrase “positive parenting,” and their reply is that they feel it involves enabling your child to make decisions in your household and that your child will be raised with poor behaviour, entitlement, and disrespect.

Permissive parenting is not one of the characteristics of positive parenting.

Positive parenting does not imply that you let your child(ren) pick how they want to be raised or that you give them complete control.

Positive parenting is setting limits and providing an atmosphere that allows children to express their emotions, communicate their actual selves, and grow up in a respected and caring environment. The way a parent reacts vs replies offers options, and respects their kid demonstrates to a child that they are significant.

There are no insults, no outbursts of anger, and no punitive measures. Instead, by maintaining a calm and caring approach, the parent and kid develop mutual respect and trust.

Helping children learn to deal with events in a polite, caring manner is the goal of positive parenting. Creating appropriate boundaries enables for open and good communication, self-development, and teaches children respect — for themselves, for you, and for others around them.

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What is Positive Parenting?

  • Making the decision to be a positive role model and example of behaviour, communicating, and behaving (and reacting) with love and empathy.
  • Limits and boundaries should be set in a healthy and acceptable manner.
  • When limits and boundaries are not respected, you must respond.
  • Keeping track of our own emotions (as parents) and adjusting so that we respond with love and empathy rather than knee-jerk reactions based on anger, annoyance, impatience, or frustration.
  • Praise your child for the behaviour you wish to see (Example: when you see your child clean up after themselves without being told, notice and praise them for this positive behaviour.)
  • Instead of instructing your child what to do, how to feel, or how to act, pay attention to them.
  • Set clear and fair boundaries that allow your kid to make choices and explore while also enforcing logical and reasonable consequences when necessary.
  • Spanking, slapping, and excessive screaming are all examples of severe and punitive discipline.
  • When parents apologise and say “I’m sorry,” they teach their children respect.
  • Show your children that they are valued by treating them with respect and listening to them.
  • Be sympathetic to your childrens learning and development, and don’t place unreasonable demands on their behaviour, attitude, feelings, emotional development, and so on. Know what is acceptable for your childrens age and set your expectations accordingly.

What Positive Parenting Isn’t

  • Saying “excellent work” in response to everything…
  • Gratitude for a task well done by your child.
  • Parenting that is permissive.
  • Allowing your child to make decisions about your family’s dynamics.
  • Setting boundaries and then failing to follow through with no follow-up or action is a recipe for disaster.
  • Taking no action to establish boundaries.
  • Bad and disrespectful behaviour is not being addressed.
  • Satisfying your childrens desires, such as buying new toys when they beg for them or giving in when they throw a tantrum.
  • Allowing your child to fail or be disappointed is not an option.
  • Believing that your child has the right to do whatever they want or act in any way they choose.

Positive Parenting Boundaries And Limits

If you can’t set limits and boundaries, your child will learn that happiness comes from stuff, and they’ll be always chasing “what’s next” without any long-term fulfilment.

Youngsters who were not permitted to acquire the ability to identify and manage their emotions as children are unable to properly respond with their words or have soothing techniques at their disposal, according to research.

Emotional intelligence is developed via the development of a healthy relationship characterized by an open conversation about feelings and the variety of emotions that adults and children experience on a regular basis.

Positive parenting reassures children that their parents are in charge (in child development, this is referred to as authoritative parenting style), which is a great source of comfort for young children.

A child who believes they have complete control feels out of control and is unable to manage their emotions and little bodies as a result. Children are afraid of being in control because they are developmentally incapable of handling this much authority.

Kids need to know that the adults in their lives are there to assist them to deal with difficult events and emotions. When a child discovers that they can tell their parents when they’re upset, angry, or pleased, their faith in you grows irreplaceable. 

Consider the long term… Children who have no boundaries in their upbringing will be affected as adults. They will struggle to set boundaries for themselves as adults in the job, with friends, and in relationships.

Using Positive Language to Practice Positive Parenting

Negative language has an influence on children; it causes uncertainty and discouragement, as well as low self-esteem because it makes them feel like they can’t do anything properly. Negative language is difficult for childrens to comprehend because they do not grasp what you want them to quit doing and what you want them to do instead. What is the solution? Positive wording is used.

Negative language has been shown to have a negative impact on children, particularly in terms of the amount of confusion it causes, the internal resistance it causes, and the fact that continued negative language makes children feel discouraged as if they’re always doing something wrong or “being bad.”

Negative language is difficult for childrens to comprehend because they do not grasp what you want them to quit doing and what you want them to do instead.

It’s also depressing to constantly be told “no,” “stop,” or “don’t,” and it may make kids feel that there’s no purpose in trying to do the right thing.

Examples Of Positive Language

  • Stop Crying  –>  Do You Need a Hug?
  • That’s Enough  –>  Let’s Rewind and Try It a Different Way
  • Don’t Be a Quitter  –> That’s A Tough One, Would You Like Help?
  • Stop Running  –> Please Walk
  • Don’t Do That  –> Gentle
  • Don’t Touch Him  –> Let’s Keep Our Hands to Ourselves
  • Stop Whining  –> Please Use Your Words
  • Don’t be Nervous  –> It’s Ok To Feel Nervous, Sometimes I Feel That Way Too
  • Life Isn’t Fair  –> I Know How You Feel, What Can I Do to Help You?
  • No Yelling  –> Let’s Use Our Inside Voice Please
  • Don’t be a Scardy Cat  –> It’s Ok To Feel Scared, I’m Here With You and Will Keep You Safe
  • No Hitting  –> Please be Gentle

You’re not instructing them how to feel or what to do; instead, you’re reacting gently and encouraging them to reframe their own response.

Permissive parenting is not the same as positive parenting. It’s all about establishing acceptable limits and boundaries for your children, as well as teaching them about emotions and behaviour in a polite and caring manner.

What You Should Do Next:

1. Subscribe To My Parenting Newsletter

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2. Register For A Pretty Awesome FREE 60-Minute Class:

Register for a free class called GET KIDS TO LISTEN THE RIGHT WAY; an exclusive FREE class from nationally recognized parenting coach, Amy McCready.

3. Sign Up For A 7 Step Positive Parenting Course

Enroll now in the most in-depth parenting class. After discovering these common sense, easy-to-implement, research-based tools you can learn how to:
  • Easily get kids to listen – the FIRST time. No yelling or reminding…not even once!
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  • Reduce backtalk by HALF! It’s simple once you know the secrets of these two ‘buckets.’
  • Say goodbye to punishments that DON’T work. There’s a 5-step formula that works WAYYY better than time-outs.
  • Feel amazing, confident, and empowered as a parent, every day. I NEVER go to bed feeling guilty anymore! (Okay, well maybe sometimes…’ mom guilt’ is still a thing.)
Got a threenager? You want this class. Got an actual tween or teen? Then what are you waiting for? Sign up for the webinar right NOW and watch the BEST, most life-changing parenting video ever.

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References

  1. 2.Connell A, Bullock BM, Dishion TJ, Shaw D, Wilson M, Gardner F. Family Intervention Effects on Co-occurring Early Childhood Behavioral and Emotional Problems: A Latent Transition Analysis Approach. J Abnorm Child Psychol. Published online May 13, 2008:1211-1225. doi:10.1007/s10802-008-9244-6
  2. 3.Smokowski PR, Bacallao ML, Cotter KL, Evans CBR. The Effects of Positive and Negative Parenting Practices on Adolescent Mental Health Outcomes in a Multicultural Sample of Rural Youth. Child Psychiatry Hum Dev. Published online June 1, 2014:333-345. doi:10.1007/s10578-014-0474-2
  3. 4.Eisenberg N, Zhou Q, Spinrad TL, Valiente C, Fabes RA, Liew J. Relations Among Positive Parenting, Children’s Effortful Control, and Externalizing Problems: A Three-Wave Longitudinal Study. Child Development. Published online September 2005:1055-1071. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2005.00897.x
  4. 5.Neppl TK, Conger RD, Scaramella LV, Ontai LL. Intergenerational continuity in parenting behavior: Mediating pathways and child effects. Developmental Psychology. Published online 2009:1241-1256. doi:10.1037/a0014850
  5. 6.Leidy MS, Guerra NG, Toro RI. Positive parenting, family cohesion, and child social competence among immigrant Latino families. Journal of Family Psychology. Published online 2010:252-260. doi:10.1037/a0019407
  6. 7.Riley AR, Wagner DV, Tudor ME, Zuckerman KE, Freeman KA. A Survey of Parents’ Perceptions and Use of Time-out Compared to Empirical Evidence. Academic Pediatrics. Published online March 2017:168-175. doi:10.1016/j.acap.2016.08.004
  7. 8.Gouveia MJ, Carona C, Canavarro MC, Moreira H. Self-Compassion and Dispositional Mindfulness Are Associated with Parenting Styles and Parenting Stress: the Mediating Role of Mindful Parenting. Mindfulness. Published online March 2, 2016:700-712. doi:10.1007/s12671-016-0507-y

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