What To Do if Your Aging Parent Refuses Help
As moms, we’re used to caring for others.
From making sure the kids eat their veggies (even the picky eaters!) to keeping the house running smoothly, our caregiving instincts never turn off.
But what happens when it’s our parents who need help, and they refuse to accept it? It’s a tricky, emotionally draining situation that many of us face as our parents age.
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A Personal Struggle: The Conversation That Didn’t Go As Planned
I remember the first time I tried talking to my mom about getting some extra help around the house.
I had just finished the nightly routine with the kids and collapsed on the couch with a cup of tea, realizing I hadn’t checked in with her in a while.
When I called, she casually mentioned she’d been feeling a little unsteady on her feet. Immediately, my mom-brain kicked in.
I offered to get her some grab bars for the bathroom and even suggested we look into a local in-home care agency. Her response? “I’m fine, dear. I don’t need help.”
It felt like trying to negotiate with my five-year-old when she refuses to clean her room—frustrating and emotionally exhausting. You want what’s best for them, but they are so fiercely independent that it feels like you’re hitting a wall. But here’s what I learned from this journey.
1. Start Small
Jumping in with grand offers of care might feel overwhelming to your parent. Begin with small suggestions that don’t scream “loss of independence.” For instance, maybe suggest adding some lightweight, easy-to-use kitchen gadgets to make daily tasks simpler. Offering manageable solutions like pill organizers or electric jar openers can sometimes make them more comfortable with the idea of accepting help.
2. Use a Trusted Family Member or Friend
Sometimes, parents will listen to someone else before they’ll listen to us. If you have a sibling, a family friend, or a relative your parent trusts, ask them to help with the conversation. Your parent might be more open to suggestions when it doesn’t come from their “baby.”
3. Frame It As Their Idea
This one might feel like parenting 101, but it works! Instead of directly suggesting that they need help, try asking leading questions that encourage them to come to that conclusion themselves. For example, “I noticed you’ve been mentioning how tired you are after grocery shopping—do you think a grocery delivery service might make things easier?” It’s a way of respecting their independence while gently steering them toward accepting assistance.
4. Share Your Own Experience
A short story can go a long way in helping them see your point of view. You might tell them about a neighbor who benefited from in-home care or how using a medical alert bracelet gave you peace of mind. Personal stories make it easier to see that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, but rather a way to enhance quality of life.
5. Know When to Bring in Professional Help
If your parent’s safety is truly at risk and you can’t convince them on your own, it might be time to consult a professional. Hiring a state-licensed in-home care agency can provide the help they need without stripping away their independence. For more reasons why this could be the best solution, check out this blog post on 3 Reasons To Hire a State-Licensed In-Home Care Agency.
6. Be Patient and Respect Their Wishes
At the end of the day, you have to respect their wishes, even if it means stepping back and allowing them to make their own choices. It’s a fine line between protecting them and allowing them to live life on their terms. However, small steps, like offering assistive devices or even arranging for someone to help with house cleaning, might eventually lead to larger discussions about care.
Bottom Line
Being a mom means we are hard-wired to care for the people we love, but it’s important to remember that our aging parents have been doing this whole “life” thing for much longer than we have.
Their refusal to accept help doesn’t mean they don’t need it—it just means the conversation might take more time, patience, and a lot of understanding.