Why Kids Test Mom the Most
Do you notice that your kids are little angels in public places but turn into emotional messes at home with you? There’s actually a good reason for that!
My 3rd baby is now a toddler, and a very clingy one at that. Perhaps it’s because she’s still nursing occasionally and I’m always home with her.
I had to leave my daughter with my husband for one day because I volunteered with my sons school for a trip to the zoo with the kindergarten class.
Now my daughter, being a toddler, has large reactions to many things that frustrate her. They are a normal part of child development, and they don’t bother me, but I was so worried about leaving her with my husband for over 8 hours for the first time ever because I wasn’t sure if she would give him an extra difficult time because he’s not me.
Low and behold, they had the best day ever. Not 1 meltdown. Not 1 problem of any kind. She was on her best behavior and my husband really enjoyed his day with our little girl.
When I came home, there was a meltdown almost immediately, and then she clung onto me for dear life for about an hour. My husband is not a bad parent, in fact he’s pretty awesome, and my older sons absolutely love everything about him, but I am my daughters safe space for when she is having a hard time.
So why do kids seem to have more tantrums with mom, or with their more primary caregiver?
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The Real Reason Why A Toddler Behaves Differently With Mom
Because you, mama, are a safe haven for them. YOU are the person they can turn to for help with their troubles. Who else could build something better if you couldn’t?
If a young child has been holding it together in an unpleasant scenario all day, the moment they see you, they realise it’s time to let go.
That means letting go of whatever is bothering them… crying, screaming, bowel movements, and so forth. It’s the last thing you want to deal with after a night out or after returning home exhausted from a long day at work… But that’s exactly what we receive as mothers: the unconstrained outpouring of a raw emotional release slamming us in the face the moment we walk through the door.
If you are greeted at the door with whining and shouting, it just means your kids are happy to see you, happy so they can let go of all of their emotions they have been holding in.
And, by the way, it’s critical for younger children to express themselves naturally in terms of their moods, big emotions, and body functions. Isn’t it true that we want our children to have high levels of emotional intelligence and body awareness when they grow up?
So consider it as a good sign and keep in mind: They’ve saved everything for you!
When you step through the door, do your young kids start speaking in tongues, sobbing, releasing their bowels, and clinging to you? Take that as a sign that they care about you, and know that the next time it happens, I’ll be sending you tons of love because I know… I understand… it drives us all insane!
However, if they’re starting to drive you insane, keep reading for some advice on how to deal with their enormous apocalyptic tantrums.
This is my FAVORITE book on toddler discipline, check it out.
How To Manage Meltdowns
Sometimes those epic meltdowns that are saved just for you can be difficult to manage.
Sure, we’re flattered that they consider us a safe haven, but that doesn’t make the pounding headache go away when they decide to let loose, does it?
So, before we say our goodbyes for the day, I’d want to share a few toddler tantrums handling skills that I’ve learnt.
Manage Your Emotions
First and foremost, if you want your children to behave, you must first improve your own behaviour. Your emotional control, specifically.
According to a 2018 Bringham Young study, mothers who have good emotional control had better behaved children. “When you lose control of your life, it affects how you parent,” said lead author Ali Crandall. That instability has an impact on your child’s behavior both directly and indirectly.” Doesn’t it make sense?
First you should identify common triggers such as loud noises or bright lights, and then you can try to calm yourself.
When you feel yourself heating up and about to throw your own tantrum (which is really all yelling is- a grown-up version of a tantrum), do what you instruct your child to do: count to 10 and breathe through it. Children pick up on our anxiety and imitate it. So, if they sense you’re about to lose control, they’ll presume something’s amiss and lose control right along with you.
I definitely recommend reading up on the gentle parenting technique if you need some tips on how to be a calmer parent. It was quite beneficial to me!
Give Your Kids Some Control
Consider your own temper tantrums and what triggers them. I’m ready to guess that 9 times out of 10, it has something to do with feeling out of control.
That’s why your toddler is throwing tantrums as well! It has nothing to do with being a spoilt brat when a child screams because they didn’t get what they wanted. It’s all about having control. They desire something and are perplexed as to why they are unable to have it.
A 2-year-old doesn’t grasp that things cost money or that we have budgets; all they care about is the gorgeous toy that’s right in front of them. They have no idea that carrots are good for you and cake is harmful for you; all they know is that cake tastes better. When you tell them no, they are completely perplexed and that is how power struggles come about. They simply believe you have taken away their ability to direct their own life.
While you may not be able to give them exactly what they want, you can give them more power over their lives. Allow them to assist you in selecting the items you require in the middle of the grocery store or another public setting.
It makes children feel like they have a choice in the matter if you give them two of the same object (this apple or that one, this bag of flour or that one, etc.). Give them plenty of choices and let them choose which one they want to eat if you’re attempting to get them to eat vegetables. Basically, give them as many options as you can, and fulfill that basic need of feeling in control.
Calmy Redirect
When outbursts occur despite your best efforts, keep cool at first. It will only get worse if you scream. Instead, shift your child’s attention by saying something like, “Wow, look at that fire engine!” according to ChildWelfare.gov.
You could also try something amusing. Make a silly noise, pretend to fall down, or do anything else to jolt your youngster out of their tantrum. But don’t laugh at them. The idea is to make them laugh together with you rather than feel as though you’re making fun of them.
Check Your Expectations
Above all, make sure you’re setting realistic goals for your children. Studies reveal that high expectations are literally harming our children, as I mentioned the other day.
Stop treating children like little grownups, and at the very least try to remember what it was like to be a child. I strongly advise you to learn more about developmental psychology. You don’t have to acquire a degree in it or anything, but understanding how our children develop can really help you deal with tantrums and whatever else they throw at you.
Kids Melting Down In Their Safe Space
We must demonstrate to our children that we are their safe haven, that they can keep it together throughout the day and then lose it at home, and that we will still be there to catch them.
But we also need them to understand that we will not save them from the world because we are here to teach them, not to rescue them. They will need to learn those talents in order to succeed in the future.
Are we going to get it right every time? No, ma’am, I don’t think so.
Our children, on the other hand, need to realize that flawless parents exist only on Pinterest and Instagram… and not in real life. They need to understand that losing it is natural and that they, too, will survive.
You’re a good mom, so continue to be the safe space in the long run. You’re doing a good job at being the garbage disposal of unpleasant feelings at the end of the day.
At least your child doesn’t have any unmet needs.