Managing Defiance: You Are NOT The Boss Of Me

Table of Contents

Defiance. It will undoubtedly irritate a parent. After all, aren’t we meant to be the ones in charge? Defiance rubs our noses in the reality that we can’t genuinely control another person until we use force, whether he’s three or thirteen. And who wants to be the parent in such a situation?

We increase the struggle when we respond to disobedience. Force, whether used overtly or in a passive-aggressive manner, causes resistance, thus it’s a losing approach. (You may win the battle, but the war will be lost.)

This post may contain affiliate links. Full disclosure here.

Want to learn how to use positive parenting? Register for a free class called GET KIDS TO LISTEN THE RIGHT WAY; an exclusive FREE class from nationally recognized parenting coach, Amy McCready.

What To Do About Child Defiance

There’s a reason why kids are rebellious. They frequently feel pushed about and dominated, and they require constructive methods to feel powerful and effective in their life.

Because a rebellious kid rejects the parent as a leader, defiance also implies that the child is estranged from the parent, at least for the time being. Maybe the relationship needs some work, or maybe she’s simply unhappy right now, and we appear to be the enemy since she’s in “fight or flight” mode.

Punishment will just exacerbate the gap. It will make the child feel like he or she is being pushed around more unjustly. And it won’t make her feel any better. So you must deal with defiance, yet discipline will not suffice.

Defiance In Toddlers

Toddlers are still figuring out how to be themselves while still getting what they want. Even little humans are independent persons with the right to their own ideas and the need to maintain the integrity of their own “selves,” despite what we as parents often forget. That’s why they’re so adamant about saying “NO!” and “I’ll do it myself!” The greatest way to deal with their disobedience is to:

“You say NO bath, I hear you…”, let her know you’ve heard her. (Sometimes, that’s all it takes to persuade a toddler to gladly cooperate.)
Give her a warm embrace. (Toddlers frequently only need to reconnect.)
Decide how flexible you are: “Ok, we’ll simply wash your hands and face today” or “And you’re so filthy, we really need a bath, so let’s figure something out.”
If you believe it’s necessary, politely insist on your limit: “You’re upset because you don’t want to take a bath….
I’m standing right here….
You are free to cry as much as you want…..
Let’s get your doll so she may have a bath with you after you’re done weeping; I know you enjoy to wash her hair.”

Defiance In Preschoolers

Preschoolers are well-versed in the rules. When they are rebellious, they are expressing their dissatisfaction with the status quo “I’m unhappy, Mom and Dad, but I don’t know how to express it…. So, in order to encourage you to pay attention, I’m going to act as terrible as possible… I’m going to STAND UP TO YOU!” The greatest way to deal with their disobedience is to:

Remind yourself that his resistance is a plea for reconnection, not a test of willpower.
If you can, reconnect through play. To make your child laugh, try becoming mock-outangerd: “What was that? Excuse me…what was that? Is it possible that I misheard you say no? You’re not going to do what I said? We’ll see what we can do about it, won’t we? Keep an eye out!” Your preschooler will have laughed out his frustrations and reconnected with the oxytocin generated by all the roughhousing after your pillow fight or wrestling session, and he’ll be ready to do what you ask.
Listen if he’s too upset to play. “You’re refusing to participate in soccer practice? Something about soccer practice must be bothering you…. What do you anticipate your experience will be if you go?”

Set a gentle boundary and accept his tears if he continues to be upset. He could simply need a big weep in your loving company to release all of his emotions, following which he’ll feel reconnected and ready to collaborate.

Defiance In Elementry School Kids

When they believe we are being unjust to them, elementary school students respond with disobedience. When children quarrel frequently, it’s a sign that they don’t feel heard or connected. The greatest way to deal with their disobedience is to:

Stop, put down (your agenda), and take a deep breath. Because your buttons have been pushed, you must first calm down before dealing with the disobedience.
Remind your child that disobedience is not tolerated: “We don’t talk to each other like that, you know. You must be in a lot of pain.”

Consider that rebellious behavior in children is a sign of a relational issue. Because you’re losing your child someplace, he’s not eager to follow you. Are you being unjust to me? Are you not paying attention? Is it possible that you’re losing his respect by throwing your own tantrums?

Listening and thinking might help you reconnect: “You’re declining because you don’t believe it’s equitable? Hmmm….Perhaps I’m missing something. Tell me more about it.”
Empathize: It’s important to remember that anger won’t start to subside until it feels heard. “So that’s how you’re feeling….You wish… It must be really difficult….”
Seek for win-win situations. “So, what do you want…and what do I want…How about we…?”

Defiance In Pre Teens

Because they hear it from their friends, preteens and tweens begin experimenting with disobedience to determine where the limits are. The greatest way to deal with their disobedience is to:

Stop, put down (your agenda), and take a deep breath. Because your buttons have been pushed, you must first calm down before dealing with the disobedience.
Reiterate your expectations for your family’s standard of respect: “Oh, no! We don’t talk to one other like that, you know.”

Allow your child to fix themselves as you re-establish communication: “I’m sure you didn’t mean to offend me. I’m interested in hearing what you have to say. Let’s give it another go.”
Consider your strategy.

Nobody enjoys being told what to do. Despite this, research reveals that the aveanger parent issues hundreds of instructions each day, the majority of which are negative. If your adolescent feels irritated, think about how you might assist her take on additional responsibilities instead of feeling bossed around.

Defiance In Teens

When teens feel estranged from us or have lost respect for us, they become rebellious. The greatest way to deal with their disobedience is to:

Translate your adolescent’s rebellious utterances. Your child may act as though she never wants to see you again, but she’s actually expressing something “I’m all alone and very unhappy out here… I hope you could find a way to come out in the cold and fetch me since I have no idea where I am.”

Continue to be sympathetic. Let’s say “Oh, no! That was rather impolite… You must be in a lot of pain to talk to me like that…. I strive to treat you with respect at all times…. What’s the matter, Sweetie?” (If you realize you haven’t been modelling polite communication, confess it, apologize, vow to do better, and say that everyone in the family needs to turn over a new leaf.)
Maintain compassion as he communicates his dissatisfaction: “Wow…I see…I apologize…
I wasn’t aware…
Thank you for informing me.” All you have to do now is keep breathing and be cool. He needs to express all of the pent-up emotions that have made him feel so estranged from you.

Find a method to re-establish contact. Listen. Reflect. Seek to comprehend. Tell him how much you care for him and how important he is to you. Find a point of agreement. Solve the problem such that both of your requirements are fulfilled. Demonstrate the respect you desire.

Sometimes Kids Will Refuse

Maybe he’s preparing for an exam or just has five minutes before bath time to construct his castle. Why isn’t it okay for him to seek special dispensation tonight if he cooperates most of the time and asks respectfully? The less he needs to resort to disobedience to convey his wants, the more he believes you will listen when he makes his request. Of course, this does not preclude you from putting your foot down when necessary. But there’s no need to be nasty about it; it only encourages defiance.

Defiance Can Be An Opportunity

The majority of us become so angry by our children’s disobedience that we slam down like a sledge hammer. We wouldn’t have been permitted to act like that when we were younger, after all.

Defiance, on the other hand, is like a red light on your car’s dashboard, signalling that something is wrong and that you need to solve it. The problem isn’t the child; it’s the relationship, which can be fixed by reconnecting rather than fighting.

So, the next time your child is rebellious, remember that you don’t have to participate in every power battle that comes your way. Setting a clear boundary on the level of respect in your home while reconnecting is a good idea. Be thankful that your children’s rebellion served as a warning about the growing gap between you.

Then take advantage of this chance to alter the direction of your connection with your child! And maybe the rest of his life.

Need More On Difficult Behaviors?

Need More Parenting Help?

Register For A FREE Parenting Class

Register for a free class called GET KIDS TO LISTEN THE RIGHT WAY; an exclusive FREE class from nationally recognized parenting coach, Amy McCready.

“GENTLE PARENTING IS A LIFESTYLE THAT EMBRACES BOTH YOUR PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL BEHAVIOR, NOT ONLY TOWARDS YOUR CHILDREN, BUT TO YOURSELF TOO“
— SARA HOCKWELL-SMITH

References

The Evolutionary Layers Of The Human Brain
Pavlov’s Dogs. By Saul McLeod
The “triune brain” is the hypothesis of neurologist Paul MacLean. By Fragua Neiva
Does stress damage the brain? By Bremner JD.
Managing Stress: Principles and Strategies for Health and Wellbeing by Brian Luke Seaward
Fear conditioning, synaptic plasticity and the amygdala: implications for posttraumatic stress disorder by Amy L. Mahan and Kerry J. Ressler
Limbic system – Emotional Experience by Srdjan D. Antic, M.D
http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/fam/17/4/598/
The Role of the Family Context in the Development of Emotion Regulation. By Amanda Sheffield Morris, Jennifer S. Silk, Laurence Steinberg, Sonya S. Myers, Lara Rachel Robinson
Children’s misbehaviors and parental discipline strategies in abusive and nonabusive families. By By Trickett, Penelope K.,Kuczynski, Leon
Childhood maltreatment is associated with altered fear circuitry and increased internalizing symptoms by late adolescence. By Ryan J. Herringa, Rasmus M. Birn, Paula L. Ruttle, Cory A. Burghy, Diane E. Stodola, Richard J. Davidson, and Marilyn J. Essex
Fear conditioning, synaptic plasticity and the amygdala: implications for posttraumatic stress disorder. By Amy L. Mahan, Kerry J. Ressler
The Role of the Family Context in the Development of Emotion Regulation. By Amanda Sheffield Morris, Oklahoma State University, Jennifer S. Silk, University of Pittsburgh, Laurence Steinberg, Temple University, Sonya S. Myers and Lara Rachel Robinson, University of New Orleans
The Relation between Mothers’ Hostile Attribution Tendencies and Children’s Externalizing Behavior Problems: The Mediating Role of Mothers’ Harsh Discipline Practices. By Nix RL, Pinderhughes EE, Dodge KA, Bates JE, Pettit GS, McFadyen-Ketchum SA.
Parental Reactions to Children’s Negative Emotions: Longitudinal Relations to Quality of Children’s Social Functioning. By Nancy Eisenberg, Richard A. Fabes, Stephanie A. Shepard, Ivanna K. Guthrie, Bridget C. Murphy and Mark Reiser
The Child’s Behavioral Pattern as a Determinant of Maternal Punitiveness. By Raymond K. Mulhern, Jr. and Richard H. Passman http://www.jstor.org/stable/1128948?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents
The Contributions of Ineffective Discipline and Parental Hostile Attributions of Child Misbehavior to the Development of Conduct Problems at Home and School. By Snyder J, Cramer A, Afrank J, Patterson GR.
Immediate and Sustained Effects of Parenting on Physical Aggression in Canadian Children Aged 6 Years and Younger. By Benzies, Karen, Keown, Leslie-Anne, Magill-Evans, Joyce
Slapping and spanking in childhood and its association with lifetime prevalence of psychiatric disorders in a general population sample. By MacMillan HL, Boyle MH, Wong MY, Duku EK, Fleming JE, Walsh CA.
Friendship as a moderating factor in the pathway between early harsh home environment and later victimization in the peer group. By Schwartz, D., Dodge, K. A., Pettit, G. S., Bates, J. E., & The Conduct Problems Prevention Research Group. (2000)
Parenting Practices and Child Disruptive Behavior Problems in Early Elementary School by Elizabeth A. Stormshak, Karen L. Bierman, […], and Conduct Problems Prevention Research Group
There is no convincing evidence for operant or classical conditioning in adult humans. By Brewer, William F., Weimer, Walter B. and Palermo, David S.
The Mirror Neuron System and Observational Learning: Implications for the Effectiveness of Dynamic Visualizations. By Tamara van Gog, Fred Paas, Nadine Marcus, Paul Ayres and John Sweller
Parenting Through Change. By David S. DeGarmo and Marion S. Forgatch
Effective discipline for children. Paediatr Child Health. 2004 Jan; 9(1): 37–41.
Does Rejection Hurt? An fMRI Study of Social Exclusion. By Naomi I. Eisenberger, Matthew D. Lieberman, Kipling D. Williams, 2003
You Said WHAT About Time-Outs?! By Dan Siegel, 2014