The Secret to Helping a Perfectionist Child
Raising children is a rollercoaster of emotions and challenges, and when your child is a perfectionist, the ride can get even more complicated. You want to support them, but at the same time, you don’t want to fuel their stress.
As a mom of three, I’ve seen my fair share of parenting hurdles, but helping a perfectionist child has its unique quirks.
So, let’s dive into the secret to guiding these young high-achievers without losing your sanity.
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Encourage High Standards, Not Perfection
It’s a thin line between encouraging high standards and fostering perfectionism. Psychologist Randy Frost and author Miriam Adderholdt both agree that while setting high standards is beneficial, perfectionism can be damaging. Excellence should be about enjoying learning and gaining confidence, not about constantly finding mistakes. Avoid using the word “perfect” even in praise, and focus on helping your child set realistic goals and standards that are achievable with effort.
Teach Your Child “The Power of Yet”
A powerful tool in battling perfectionism is teaching your child about the “power of yet.” When they say they can’t do something, add “yet” to the end. It’s about believing in the possibility of improvement and understanding that success requires time, effort, mistakes, and practice. Help them create drafts or prototypes for tasks, acknowledge their progress, and give concrete, focused feedback on one aspect at a time. This approach helps them see that perfection isn’t necessary for success and that effort leads to progress.
Be an Example of Someone Who’s Not Perfect
Kids often think adults, especially their parents, are perfect. To dispel this myth, be open about your own mistakes and setbacks. Avoid self-criticism or negative talk in front of your child. Instead, ask them for advice. Organizational psychologist Adam Grant suggests normalizing imperfection by discussing your shortcomings with your children. This approach helps your child develop a healthier attitude towards achievement.
Emphasize the Fun
A study from George Washington University found that in youth sports, factors like positive coaching, being a good sport, trying hard, team friendships, and learning and improving were far more important for fun than winning. Apply this to all areas of your child’s life. Ask them if they had fun rather than focusing on achievements. Emphasize the process of learning and the enjoyment it brings, rather than just the outcome.
Recognize Negative Thoughts
Teach your child to recognize and address negative thoughts. Use the “balloon technique” where they imagine blowing self-critical thoughts into a balloon and letting it go. For anxiety or doubt, the Five Senses Game can help them refocus and be in the moment. These techniques help your child replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations and focus on doing their best.
As a mom, I know it’s not always easy to find the balance between guiding and pushing too hard. But understanding and implementing these strategies can make a world of difference in helping your perfectionist child thrive.
Remember, it’s not about making them perfect; it’s about helping them be their best selves, and that includes embracing imperfection.
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References and Further Reading:
- Encourage High Standards, Not Perfection
- Teach Your Child “The Power of Yet”
- Be an Example of Someone Who’s Not Perfect
- Emphasize the Fun
- Recognize Negative Thoughts
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References
- Encourage High Standards, Not Perfection: Striving for perfection in adolescent school students is associated with positive characteristics and adaptive outcomes, such as hope of success, motivation for school, and school achievement. However, negative reactions to imperfection are linked to maladaptive outcomes like fear of failure and depressive symptoms. Encouraging high standards while mitigating negative reactions to imperfection can foster a healthy pursuit of excellence (Stoeber & Rambow, 2007).
- Teach Your Child “The Power of Yet”: Implementing strategies that differentiate between positive and negative forms of perfectionism can help in teaching children the power of yet. Striving for perfection, without concern for imperfections, may allow for experiencing pride and motivate towards improvement, without the burden of shame (Stoeber, Harris, & Moon, 2007).
- Be an Example of Someone Who’s Not Perfect: Perfectionistic self-presentation, which involves promoting one’s perfection and concealing imperfections, is associated with personal and interpersonal psychological distress. Demonstrating openness about one’s mistakes and imperfections can help children develop a healthier attitude towards achievement and imperfection (Hewitt et al., 2003).