Why Your Kids Don’t Need A Perfect Parent
Parenting: it’s the rollercoaster ride where the dips and turns come without warning, and the safety instructions are written in a foreign language.
As a mom of three, I’ve spent my fair share of days wondering if there’s a secret handbook titled “How to be the Best Parent” that everyone but me got on their way out of the maternity ward.
And after years of late-night Googling, scouring social media for gold nuggets of advice, and devouring a lot of great books on child rearing, I’ve stumbled upon a comforting truth: perfect parenting doesn’t exist.
There’s good news, though – our kids don’t need perfection; they need us, warts and all. Let me walk you through why aiming to be a “good enough parent” is not just okay; it’s actually the best way to ensure your kids grow up happy, healthy, and resilient.
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The Myth of Perfect Parenting
In the era of social media, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing our everyday chaos to someone else’s highlight reel. We see images of perfect kids, in perfect homes, with parents who always say and do the right things. But here’s the thing: such thing as perfect parenting simply doesn’t exist. It’s a false assumption, fueled by unrealistic expectations and high standards that can lead us down a path of anxiety and self-doubt.
Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott introduced the concept of the “good enough parent” in the mid-20th century, emphasizing that meeting a child’s basic needs with consistency and care is far more beneficial than striving for perfection. This approach allows for the natural ebb and flow of family life and acknowledges that making mistakes, showing vulnerability, and not always having the good answer are part of the human experience.
The Real-Life Impact of “Good Enough” Parenting
Being a good enough parent means giving yourself the green light to breathe deeply and embrace your perfect imperfectness. It involves understanding that there will be long days and sleepless nights, and that sometimes, the best mom is the one who’s there, listening and loving, rather than the one who’s always trying to fix everything.
Unconditional Love vs. High Expectations
One of the most important things we can provide our children is unconditional love. This doesn’t mean we don’t encourage them to strive and grow; it means that our love isn’t contingent on them meeting certain high expectations or achieving in specific areas of study. Our own parents might have set the bar high for us, and while it’s natural to want the best for our children, it’s crucial to remember that they are individuals with their own strengths, challenges, and emotional needs.
Real Parents, Real Moments
Real life is messy. It’s making pancakes on a Saturday morning and ending up with more batter on the counter than in the pan. It’s having a hard time with math homework and realizing that you’re both learning together. It’s understanding that not every moment needs to be a perfect moment for it to be meaningful. Quality time often comes unannounced, in the midst of the chaos, when we least expect it but need it the most.
The Power of Being a Good Role Model
More than anything, our kids learn from watching us. They see how we handle stress, how we celebrate our victories, and how we navigate our failures. By showing them that it’s okay to make mistakes, to have negative emotions, and to not always know the best way forward, we’re teaching them resilience. We’re showing them that life isn’t about always making wise choices or being good students; it’s about learning from our experiences and growing from them.
Fostering Growth, Not Perfection
Our job as parents isn’t to produce perfect kids ready for the varsity team of life from day one. It’s to support them through their learning curve, offer them guidance when they seek it, and provide them with the tools they need to become successful in their own right. This includes recognizing when they need a push and when they need a break, when to offer advice and when to simply listen.
The Importance of Self-Care
Finally, we cannot pour from an empty cup. Part of being a great parent involves taking care of ourselves—mentally, physically, and emotionally. Whether it’s carving out time for a hobby, investing in our relationships outside of our immediate family, or simply taking a few moments each day to reflect and take a deep breath, self-care is not selfish. It’s an essential part of the parenting journey, ensuring we have the energy, patience, and clarity to be there for our kids in the ways they need us most.
Learning To Forgive And Apologize Too
It is so important than in our parenting journey we model apologising and forgiving to our children. But the thing is, you are the model to your children and if you can’t apologise to them, then how can you expect them to learn the situations that require an apology.
Apologising is a basic skill that many adults these days do not have. Being humble and apologising doesn’t mean you are weak, and we must teach our children that. An apology simply means we own up to our mistake and we are willing to fix it.
See also: Operant Conditioning in Psychology
Developing A Culture Of Open Communication
Imperfect parenting actually allows you to open the airwaves for communication, and that’s a good thing! Just like apologising to children, it is important to talk and be open about any and all situations that need discussion at home.
When we let our emotions get out of hand, talking about them will help your little ones learn about emotional regulation and also will teach them that it is ok to communicate when you’re feeling sad.
The last thing you want as a parent is to have a child who shuts you out because you’ve exploded at them and never spoke to them about how wrong it was.
See also: Effects of Overprotective Parents
Finding Ways To Remain Calm
Figuring out your anger triggers can help you remain calm as a parent. If I’m being honest, I’m still working on it!
If you can raise your child to say something like “I need you to help me calm down!” then you’re doing a great job at helping your child identify his own triggers. You can help your child calm down by utilizing a calm down corner like this or playing some anger games like these.
See also: Positive Punishment Using Operant Conditioning
Permitting Ourselves To Be Imperfect Parents
I don’t want my children to be as critical of themselves as I am. And I’m aware that this necessitates my modelling grace for them. My kids understand that we must be nice even when we are upset or angry, and they also understand that I am still learning to do so.
It’s difficult to admit to them that I don’t have it all together but it occurred to me one day that, while I feel like a failure when I don’t meet my own expectations, I never think of my children as setbacks, and I’m sure they don’t think I am either.
See also: Understanding Disorganized Attachment and How to Heal It
Imperfect Parents Can Be Playful
Play Barbies or build a LEGO machine by being silly, telling jokes, and sitting on the floor. Sure, it may seem awkward at first, but your children will appreciate your efforts, even if they are imperfect. There is no perfect way to play, so don’t worry, you can’t go wrong!
Spending time with your kid is the best approach to help them thrive. By interacting with them, you can spark their imagination, increase their self-confidence, and develop the bond that you both require.
Being “playful” isn’t something that comes easy to everyone. We either grow too preoccupied with our to-do lists to sit and play for lengthy periods of time, or we feel silly pretending and playing imagination games.
Perfectly Imperfect Parenting
When moments get crazy you can always say something like “oops” or “oh no!” I was starting to yell because I’m feeling frustrated. Let’s take a time out, have a snack and then I’ll offer you my full attention when things calm down.
Your children will learn that you experience stress from time to time, which is normal and you still love them. They will notice that you too will need to take a deep breath to calm down, and that you are capable of apologising when you’ve made a mistake. This can set the whole day on a more pleasant pathway.
Imperfect parents are well aware that there is no such thing as a “one-size-fits-all” parenting method. It doesn’t imply it will work for you just because it worked for someone else.
Imperfect parents will deal with bad attitudes from their kids and face many parenting challenges, but they will get through it. As long as they remember that no parent is perfect, and we all make mistakes. Let’s grow from our mistakes and move forward with a positive attitude.
Bottom Line
Being a good parent is a challenging and lifelong journey, filled with both joy and hurdles. We all make mistakes along the way, but the important thing is to learn from them and strive to be a better parent next time. Family members, especially those who have had their own fair share of parenting situations, can offer valuable insights and support. Sometimes, foster care becomes a necessary option when circumstances require it, and it’s crucial to provide a loving and stable environment for these children. While there’s a lot of information out there on parenting, it’s essential to sift through it and focus on the things that resonate with your own values and experiences.
Being a good parent means understanding that nobody is perfect and that we all make mistakes. We must also be cautious of becoming poor examples of parents, as our children often learn from our actions more than our words. Throughout the rest of life, on a daily basis, parents must do their best to balance their responsibilities while also nurturing their children’s growth. It’s a lot of hard work, but it’s one of the greatest things we can do.
In today’s digital age, issues like screen time and children’s exposure to media can be challenging to navigate. It’s essential to approach these topics from the vantage point of your children’s well-being and seek their permission and input. Whether you’re an adoptive family welcoming an older child into your home or a new parent seeking guidance from experienced family members, it’s crucial to remember that there are better ways to handle situations than simply replicating your own childhood experiences.
One valuable lesson is to set your own standards and not succumb to unfair expectations imposed by others or society. Different types of parents have different approaches, and what works best for one family may not be suitable for another. Middle school can be a challenging time for both parents and children, but it’s essential to give them much attention and support during their teenage years. As British writer Neil Gaiman once said, “The best way to make children good is to make them happy.”
Sometimes, the long-term effects of our parenting decisions might not be apparent until later in life, and that’s okay. Mental health problems can arise, but acknowledging them and seeking help is a critical step towards being a good parent. As the parenting author Brené Brown suggests, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.”
In the end, it’s the little things, like spending quality time together and prioritizing the well-being of our children over material things, that matter most in raising successful and well-adjusted kids. Being a good mom or dad isn’t about being perfect, but about doing your best and making the best decisions you can, even in impossible ways. Remember, we all have our own unique parenting journey, and there’s plenty of room for growth and learning along the way.
Frequently Asked Questions About Perfect Parenting
Do Parents Have To Be Perfect?
No, parents do not have to be perfect. It’s not like parenting comes with a manual. We learn as we go, every day is unique and throws different challenges at us.
What Is Perfect Parent Syndrome?
Someone with perfect parent syndrome is someone who feels guilty for not being perfect and often comes from a difficult childhood themselves.
What Makes A Parent A Bad Parent?
A bad parent is someone who physically and emotionally abuses their child. This is damaging behavior and can cause lifelong issues for the child.
What Are The Characteristics Of The Ideal Parents?
Ideal parents have the following characteristics: They show love, they provide support, they set limits, they are good role models and they show respect.
References
- (Nelson, Kushlev, & Lyubomirsky, 2014): This paper presents a model of parents’ well-being that describes why and how parents experience more or less happiness than nonparents, considering the emotional experience of parenthood and its impact on well-being.
- (Vischer, Grietens, Knorth, & Mulder, 2017): An integrative review analyzing the challenges related to the assessment of parenting vis-à-vis reunification, emphasizing the importance of a framework for parenting assessment practice.
- (Crockett & Russell, 2013): This study explores Latino adolescents’ perceptions of good parent–adolescent relationships, highlighting cultural values and their influence on parenting and child development.
- (Newland, 2015): A literature review creating a model of family and child well-being that emphasizes the importance of positive parenting and its direct and indirect connections to child well-being.
- (Hansen, 2012): This paper reviews the discrepancy between folk theories and empirical evidence regarding the impact of parenthood on happiness and life satisfaction.
- (Darling & Steinberg, 1993): An integrative model that conceptualizes parenting style as a context that moderates the influence of specific parenting practices on the child.
- (Sanders, 2012): Describes the development, evaluation, and global dissemination of the Triple P-Positive Parenting Program, emphasizing the importance of quality parenting for child development.
- (Boshier, 2011): An examination of how parenting can affect child development, highlighting the importance of good parenting practices and their relationship to child outcomes.
- (Demo & Cox, 2000): A review of research from the 1990s on families with young children, focusing on parenting styles, maternal sensitivity, and their impacts on child adjustment and well-being.
- (Swain, Lorberbaum, Kose, & Strathearn, 2007): Focuses on the neurobiology of parenting behavior, including functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) studies of parents, and its implications for child development.
