What’s More Important Than Obedience From Children?
We all desire well-behaved children preferably with a cheerful and happy attitude). We become concerned when this does not occur. What if we removed obedience from its pedestal and instead concentrated on establishing a solid foundation? Here are three factors that are more important than your childrens compliance.
The gold standard in parenting is a childrens compliance.
When a child obeys, we know we’re on the correct track. We are pleased with our parenting abilities. We beam with pride.
We become alarmed when a child disobeys.
The emphasis switches to punishment (fear conditioning)s and consequences. Whatever it takes to bring the child back in line. In order to teach them a lesson. Returning to the joyful area when the child listens the first time and does not protest.
Where we can once again feel good about our parenting.
What if, instead of judging our parenting “success” by our childrens ability to follow, we took a step back to establish a solid foundation? One that promotes and supports our children as they grow through the ups and downs of childhood.
To accomplish so, we must dethrone “obedience” and replace it with three more important traits.
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The Problem With Raising An Obedient Child
We all want our children to ‘obey’ when it comes to parenting.
Let’s be honest. It makes our job easier…
It’s also more convenient for us to have our children listen to us and “do as we say.” Is this, however, beneficial to your child in the long run? Should childrens obediently heed everything that is stated to them? Simultaneously, how do you deal with disobedience?
When children are compelled to follow mindlessly in every scenario, they will not comprehend what they are doing, will not think for themselves, and will develop into people who are unable to stand up for themselves.
An obedient child will obey without comprehending the consequences and will not accept responsibility for it.
That’s not what we’re looking for, is it?
Disobedience, on the other hand, should not be rewarded. There are times when childrens must comply without being instructed twice, especially in an emergency.
Children Are Not Robots
They are ordinary individuals like you and me.
They are attempting to comprehend and make sense of our reality in whatever way they can.
Disobedience is one of the primary behaviours that contribute to this awareness.
Disobedience Is Normal
Don’t be worried unless it’s taken to a degree that makes it appear to be plain rebellion.
Disobedience is part of a childrens developing process in which they learn via trial and error.
In other words, kids experiment to see what grownups deem “acceptable” and “unacceptable.”
“Will my mother be offended if I scribble on the wall?”
“Can I cross the street without my folks seeing me?”
“Will my father mind if I don’t eat my vegetables?”
If it is excessive and continually placing them in danger, it is critical to understand the child and develop a tailored method to help them while keeping their surroundings and family dynamics in mind.
Children Learn Through Modeling
Children learn via observation.
They try to emulate how adults around them behave to each other in various situations.
As an example, imagine your child witnessing your interactions with your spouse during an argument and displaying a similar arguing manner when you ask them to do anything.
The same is true for how the child interacts with the housekeeper or, in general, any adult in his or her presence.
Aside from that, how we connect with the child is as essential.
When parents cope with circumstances by striking or yelling at the kid, the child learns aggressiveness.
Mischief And Disobedience Are Different
If your child is playing in the sand, getting muddy, or even pulling tiny (very innocent) pranks on people, they just have a sense of fun and aren’t the rebel you think they are!
What Matters More Than Obedience
Your children must have faith in you. You don’t want a childrens obedience to be based on fear; instead, you want true obedience that can only come from a foundation of trust. To do this, your children must be certain that you are secure. Not only physically secure but also emotionally safe. They need to know that if they make a mistake, they can come to you and you will not panic out. They need to know they can be open and honest with you, even if the response isn’t what you want to hear. Your children must understand that grace comes first and that nothing they do or say will affect your love for them.
A Solid Relationship
You must be connected with your children. You will have robotic obedience or revolt if you do not have a relationship. They may totally disregard you, or they may obey because they feel unlovable and embarrassed if they do not. Knowing your children requires time, effort, and patience. It might be as simple as minimizing your nagging, listening with the goal to comprehend, or offering a hug instead of a timeout. When you prioritize the connection above correction, you may communicate the message, “You are more than your actions!” You are deserving of love and respect simply for being you.”
Space To Grow and Learn
Your children require space to study and grow. Over the first 25 years of life, child growth is a sluggish and uneven process. Imposing consequences or punishments (operant conditioning)will not accelerate your childrens maturation. If your child is having difficulty listening or following through, the first step is to identify the source of the issue. Curiosity allows you and your kid to investigate difficulties, discuss solutions, and assess decisions together. It provides your kid with the necessary skills, resources, and support, rather than simply hope they would figure it out on their own.
You no longer have to panic if your child disobeys.
You may take a big breath, take a step back, and examine your foundation. Do my children feel safe? Is our friendship strong? Is my interest in the behaviour genuine or based on assumptions?
From there, you may choose to:
- When a sibling feud breaks out, keep your cool.
- Instead of doing all of the talking, try listening.
- Change your expectations to reflect your childrens developmental level.
- Make time for one-on-one conversations.
- Look into hiring a math tutor.
- Before answering, take a big breath.
- Consult a therapist.
- Create a graphic visual school morning routine
- Instead of passing judgement, demonstrate empathy.
- By going for a regular run, you can manage your personal stress.
- Create opportunities for your child to assist you around the house.
- Play with Legos for 10 minutes every day.
- At school pick-up, put your phone aside.
- Find three pleasant things to say to each child every day.
- Make a lunchbox note of encouragement.
- Examine the family calendar.
- Get to bed 10 minutes earlier.
The possibilities are endless!
Rather than defining “good parenting” as raising children who always comply, we may define it as parents who collaborate with their children, providing them with the unconditional love and support they need to learn from their mistakes and move ahead in a constructive manner.
That is what the gold standard is.
What You Should Do Next:
1. Subscribe To My Parenting NewsletterSign Up For My Parenting Newsletter for tips on creating a happier home and becoming a more positive parent. As a bonus when you subscribe you’ll get a copy of my FREE Growth Mindset Printout For Kids which is the KEY to raising resilient kids with a growth mindset.
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3. Sign Up For A 7 Step Positive Parenting CourseEnroll now in the most in-depth parenting class. After discovering these common sense, easy-to-implement, research-based tools you can learn how to:
- Easily get kids to listen – the FIRST time. No yelling or reminding…not even once!
- Put an end to daily power struggles. Bedtime became a breeze, and all the dawdling, chore wars, sibling rivalry, and mealtime meltdowns disappeared.
- Reduce backtalk by HALF! It’s simple once you know the secrets of these two ‘buckets.’
- Say goodbye to punishments that DON’T work. There’s a 5-step formula that works WAYYY better than time-outs.
- Feel amazing, confident, and empowered as a parent, every day. I NEVER go to bed feeling guilty anymore! (Okay, well maybe sometimes…’ mom guilt’ is still a thing.)
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